Saturday, January 24, 2015

What is Love?

What is love? I am not referring to the lyrics of the song which was a rage in 90s, but rather to the philosophical question which has confounded the human race since its birth. 

So recently, when the clock stuck 12 at midnight on December 31st, my parents embarked upon upon a new quest - to get me married. So they did, what every parent of our generation, whose kid is uncool/ unattractive enough to find someone himself/herself do - say " Beta tumse na ho payega" and  hit tinder for parents with new found vigour i.e shadi/ matrimony/ jeevansatthi .coms. So as I type this a profile is up on these websites with my picture. I for one have decided not to have a look at any of them, so for all I know, there is a picture of an orc from LOTR on these websites and they are populated with quotes from the Two Towers. However, that does not appear to be the case, because there were supposedly female LOTR fans who liked Orcs ( or perhaps their parents did!)

Before I knew it, I had to interact with women who were also sent for this organised dating process. To be frank, organised dating process is a misnomer, one feels like a cattle in Pushkar fair, continuously brought in front of prospective buyers. But then, the question at the back of my mind was always, how do agree to be with a person for the rest of your life on the basis of 1-2 meetings? How do expect to make that decision on basis of a few questions? What determines whether you would be comfortable for the rest of your life? What is Love?

  • We have grown up on the notion of marrying for love. Finding that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life ( blame it on bloody YRF and Dharma productions). Somewhere in between of getting into and out of graduate schools, relationships and jobs, we realise that we have raced through our twenties and are at a point in our life where we do not have that special someone. So should one marry because you are at a particular age? or should one wait for finding love?
  • We have all been in that one relationship or an idea of a relationship which has become a benchmark for how we view view all others. Would we ever have the same sort of feeling for any other person? Is it important to have those feelings? To view the world through rose tinted glasses? 
  • Should one decide to spend one's whole life with a person who hopes to understand you and adjust with you? Would it better to have a simpler life hoping to find love with a person who tries to make an effort an change with you? Would you ever find that love? Is love over rated?
  • There is this nagging thought about somehow marriage is end of your freedom and hence by extension end of the desires and bucket lists which you have created. Somehow the thought of marriage to a person whom you do not understand fully conjures  up images of and endless cycle of changing yourself, awkward situations and adjustments. What about those crazy trips which you thought ( but never took ), those random drives at 2 AM, of interests which both of you would not share? But then, you might discover the comfort of companionship. Or new interests which you might develop. 
  • Probably being an single child and not having dated people for long periods of time in between,  somehow solitude has come to define comfort for me. The fact that I can do anything without having to answer for it, is something which I have gotten used to. Suddenly having a presence around you all the time would be disconcerting. The fact that you are expected to settle down and share everything in your life with that person because society expects you to is something that somehow I haven't been able to reconcile to. For me getting married to a person whom I haven't known fully is not only end of singledom/ bachelorhood but also end of the comfort of solitude. The fear is that I might still seek that solitude and hence withdraw in the marriage. Come to think of it, that is my biggest fear, that somehow I might not do justice to the sanctity of marriage and to my partner. 
  • Then there are your friends who got married, whom you have seen, have changed after marriage. Who have made changes to themselves to adjust to the new normal in their life. You have also seen the fights, which they hope to keep hidden, the slow change in their expression when something is mentioned which makes them think about their spouse. You have also wondered whether they are truly happy? Then you have come across times when they have revelled in the company of their partners. Of hidden smiles and in jokes and eventually to the point where you are the only single in the group at times and don't understand all the couple talk around.
  • Finally you have seen your parents and other relatives make through their marriages. You think perhaps, just perhaps you might be able to do that. To be with someone without knowing them fully. Perhaps Love will happen or you will realise that it is over rated. The idea of your perfect partner just does not exist, or you met and let them go or worse you might meet them in the future ( that would suck wouldn't it). I would rather, they did not exist.

I still don't know what is right or not. I still don't know whether love is over rated or not or what is it. All I know is that, at 18, I did not envision myself to be writing a post like this. I don't know whether I want to be a cattle in the Pushkar fair.

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